Grief

Grief…

Grief…

This is going to sound strange, but a conversation with a friend earlier in the year gave me context and permission for the way that I have been feeling for a couple of years. My friend is doing great. However, in her mind and in her memories, she has the residue of what things were like before they were great. I completely understand. I was thinking (and often think) about how I hate when people see me doing well without context. Today I danced in the pool, went to a quaint grocery store, and made plans for the summer. I love it here! But I didn’t always love it here. A few days after my recent interview, the host asked me if I had lost hope during the rough season. Answer: absolutely! 2019 Angie/Depressed Angie never saw myself getting out of the pit of hell I was in mentally. I was down low low low.. I think that some people might see a retired teacher and homeowner who is traveling and marching to the beat of her own drum, but it wasn’t always the case. In fact, I kept silently screaming AMEN in church yesterday, especially as I repeatedly got the downloads of just how much of my life was lived without boundaries prior to the hellish year. Side note: I’m writing this right now knowing that I have phone calls to make. However, this blog should have been written hours ago. Do I keep pushing myself and my blog to the back burner while I meet everyone else’s need or demand? So the grief… My friend has been grieving emotionally because although “what was” is over, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to grieve that old season, good or bad. My bad season has been over for five years, but that doesn’t mean that my mind doesn’t go back and remember. And is that a bad thing? I don’t think so. My brother taught me another one of his wise sayings last week, and it’s an ouch! He said that if your life is a dumpster fire, there’s usually a trail of breadcrumbs leading back to bad decisions. If he had said this to me in 2019, I would have refuted him. Of course this dumpster fire isn’t my fault! Ma’am, didn’t you just say you lived a life with no boundaries? Every time I ran into rescue my son at every turn, I was depleting myself mentally, emotionally, and financially. Eventually my health would be affected. Over time, the therapist, the gym, prayer, and my support system have helped me reach a new place where all has been recovered. However, do I still have areas where I’m still grieving? Yes, and I am glad I can recognize it so that I can work through it. I owe it to my future self.

This is going to sound strange, but a conversation with a friend earlier in the year gave me context and permission for the way that I have been feeling for a couple of years.  My friend is doing great.  However, in her mind and in her memories, she has the residue of what things were like before they were great.  I completely understand.  I was thinking (and often think) about how I hate when people see me doing well without context.  Today I danced in the pool, went to a quaint grocery store, and made plans for the summer.  I love it here!  But I didn’t always love it here.  A few days after my recent interview, the host asked me if I had lost hope during the rough season.  Answer:  absolutely!  2019 Angie/Depressed Angie never saw myself getting out of the pit of hell I was in mentally.  I was down low low low..  I think that some people might see a retired teacher and homeowner who is traveling and marching to the beat of her own drum, but it wasn’t always the case.  In fact, I kept silently screaming AMEN in church yesterday, especially as I repeatedly got the downloads of just how much of my life was lived without boundaries prior to the hellish year.  Side note:  I’m writing this right now knowing that I have phone calls to make.  However, this blog should have been written hours ago.  Do I keep pushing myself and my blog to the back burner while I meet everyone else’s need or demand?  So the grief… My friend has been grieving emotionally because although “what was” is over, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to grieve that old season, good or bad.  My bad season has been over for five years, but that doesn’t mean that my mind doesn’t go back and remember.  And is that a bad thing?  I don’t think so.  My brother taught me another one of his wise sayings last week, and it’s an ouch!  He said that if your life is a dumpster fire, there’s usually a trail of breadcrumbs leading back to bad decisions.  If he had said this to me in 2019, I would have refuted him.  Of course this dumpster fire isn’t my fault!  Ma’am, didn’t you just say you lived a life with no boundaries?  Every time I ran into rescue my son at every turn, I was depleting myself mentally, emotionally, and financially.  Eventually my health would be affected.  Over time, the therapist, the gym, prayer, and my support system have helped me reach a new place where all has been recovered.  However, do I still have areas where I’m still grieving?  Yes, and I am glad I can recognize it so that I can work through it.  I owe it to my future self.