Beauty In The Ashes

It’s very interesting how things happen in a full circle. I always wanted to be a writer, but I was never good at putting my thoughts on paper; and I wanted to be a motivational speaker but was always scared to talk in front of large crowds of people (as an adult). I would feel as if my audience was already judging me and would talk myself out of opportunities.

I always second guessed myself even as a little girl. I wouldn’t raise my hand in class to answer a question because I wasn’t sure if my answer was right, to only be disappointed in myself when somebody would give the same answer I just had on my paper. I didn’t think I was pretty enough because all of the cute guys would inquire about my friends or would only show attention to the popular girls in school. I could never fit in with the “in” crowd and would dumb myself down because I didn’t want the spotlight to be on me. This type of thinking followed me all the way through college and I ended up in a verbal, emotional, and physical abusive relationship the last 3 years of college and one year after graduation.

The tides began to change in 2004-2005 when I met a man on a dating website called Black Planet. YES! Black Planet, looking back on it I believe that the dating websites were starting to make its presences known. His profile name was MonkeyCash however his name was George but I called him Cash. From the very first day we met we were inseparable, but I still felt as if it was too good to be true. Why would he want to be with a girl like me? He was tall, dark, handsome, and muscular. He rode motorcycles, played semi-pro football and was enlisted in the Navy, worked on IT for Submarines, and just had a heart for living life to the fullest. Needless to say we were married 2 years later and had military orders in May 2006 to Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.

With that move, we had no choice but to depend on each other and figure things out together. Upon arrival, we found out that Cash had a scheduled deployment October 2007, and he wasn’t home a lot due to the long working hours and mini deployments for the preparation of the USS Pasadena departure. I found a full time job with the Department of Army working as a Library Technician, which allowed me to meet so many wonderful people and make friends within the military community. In that time I had to learn how to change a tire, budget a household, find a hobby, and interact in an environment I wasn’t familiar with. When Cash finally left, it was a little difficult to come home to an empty house and him not be there. We had limited communication and I would only receive his responses to my emails weeks at a time. Looking back on that, it was the best experience ever, because I had to essentially grow up.

When Cash returned from his deployment in April 2008, I was excited and nervous all at once but couldn’t wait to get some normality back to my life. Cash still had crazy long working hours, but we made it work. On his days off, he would teach me how to ride a motorcycle and he wanted to buy me a bike. There was one condition--he wanted me to take a pregnancy test first because he said I was acting “weird” lol. Well I took a test, it came back negative and so the following next week we purchased my first motorcycle. We decided to visit Virginia that June so we could catch up with our family that we missed so much in addition to visiting his family that were in Ohio.

One day while I was at work, a co-worker of mine asked me if I was pregnant yet. I told her no and that the test I took came back negative. She looked at me and said take another one. I didn’t really give it much thought and continued with my day. That evening after my shift was over, Cash called and asked me to pick up a few things from the store on my way home, and I decided to pick up a pregnancy test. I mean it wouldn’t hurt right? So when I arrived home, I went upstairs and took the test and IMMEDIATELY the plus sign popped up. I laughed so hard and then cried LOL. I walked downstairs, handed Cash the stick and waiting for his reaction. HE. WAS. ELATED! He couldn’t wait to be a daddy.

August 24, 2008, Cash woke me up to tell me he was on his way to flag football practice for his boat intermural team and wanted to go see a movie later on that afternoon. He woke me up from this strange dream where I was in the hospital for a prenatal checkup and the nurse was performing an ultra sound kept telling me something was wrong with the baby, the next thing I remember was I was running down the hallway in the hospital and I see Cash behind a glass sliding door and no matter how loud I was yelling at him trying to get his attention he wouldn’t turn around and he continued to walk toward a bright light. Weird right? I got up and started my day, called my girlfriend Gladys (who was Rod’s wife, Cash’s boss) we tried to scheme a way to get the guys to take us out to dinner too lol. I got a text message at 11:17 from Cash telling me he was on his way home from practice. His commute home by motorcycle was about 15 minutes from the base to where we were living. 30 minutes went by and he still hadn’t shown up. 30 more minutes went by and he was still a no show. So I called his cell, sent him a text, left messages and nothing. I ended up calling Rod asking if he heard from Cash, and he said no and that they left each other an hour ago. He told me to call him as soon as Cash got home. I called him again and finally a woman answered his phone, shocked I thought I may have had the wrong number and apologized, the woman said No, wait, who is this, and I told her I was Cash’s wife, and she proceeded to tell me that she was a nurse from Queens Medical hospital and that Cash had been in an accident. I know I heard what she said, but it wasn’t registering what she said if that makes sense. She then gives his phone to a police officer who tells me that Cash suffered life threatening injures and that I needed to get to the hospital immediately. I called Rod right back and told him what I just heard, and I jumped in the car to get to Rod and Gladys’ house because I knew I couldn’t drive to that hospital in the state of mind I was in.

I called every person close to us and asked them to start praying for Cash’s safety. Rod couldn’t even park the car all the way before I jumped out to get to the nurses station. I, along with Rod and Gladys, the Chief of the Boat and his wife were all in the room. There was a Chaplain in the room and a nurse on duty. I have seen this scene in MANY movies, and it is still not registering that this is worse than what I was thinking it was. The doctor enters the room and proceeds to tell us the injuries that Cash suffered. He then crosses his legs and folds interlock his hands and says the words, “We’ve done everything that we could, and we are sorry.” After that, there was a ringing in my ear, I wouldn’t hear what was going on and all I saw were the reactions of everyone in the room. I picked up the phone, called Cash’s Mother (Deb), and broke the news to her, she let out this scream that I can never get rid of, and it is forever seared in my memory. When I finally had the nerves to get up and see Cash, my legs buckled and I felt weak. As Gladys held me up as I walked in the room where he was laying, he looked peaceful. He looked as if he were asleep and I couldn’t believe that today, August 24, 2008 I was widowed and 14 weeks pregnant and Cash wouldn’t be here to see his child born. Cash was 29 years old.

The next 10 days were a blur, I had to prepare for a funeral, greet family members and pack out my house to move back to Virginia. The military community were so loving and really helped me out a lot. When the Captain of the boat did a memorial service for Cash, it was absolutely beautiful. To see these men who loved Cash and to see that his life fit in the puzzle of life and because his presence was no longer here, it left ripple effects on everyone. The little chapel on base was packed with military, friends, family and loved ones so there wasn’t an empty seat in the house. I was amazed at how he played a role in each person that was there and how truly loved he was. He was honest, transparent, vibrant, lovable, loyal, a hard worker and smiled often. I wondered if Cash knew that about himself. He was a good man. I can only imagine God telling his son, well done, my good and faithful servant.

I honestly wish I could continue this story, there is so much to share, and maybe Angie will give me an opportunity to share some more things. I myself am starting to get emotional even after 10 years. I still get a lump in my throat when I think or talk about everything that transpired that day, the details of what I saw, what I felt, and things that I look back on and say, “Wow, that is a God thing.” God was in the details leading up to Cash’s death. I will end by saying this, God is a good good Father, and He will restore. He will give you the peace that surpasses all understanding, he will comfort you and he will protect you. You just have to put your faith and trust in Him. He is a man that cannot lie. If it had not been for my faith in Jesus, I can tell you I wouldn’t be here today, my son wouldn’t be here today. Today, my son is 9 years old, I remarried 4 years ago and had a beautiful daughter 2 years ago.